Amityville Turkey Day (2024)

This is the first screen of the movie:

 

And this is not some dubious site, this is Tubi. This resolution is unaccaptable.

Got suspicious, and I was right: some 3D is going on here! Some very low quality 3D-filter. So put up your Digital 3D glasses, or bleed your eyes out.

 

The first 5 minutes  is what is most likely the kickstarters sent-in videos, basicaly summing up the previous movie from the couples' male perspective, oathing revenge on the cultist therapist. the segment closes with a news-segment telling Frank Demonico closed down his business, and while being likely mortaly ill, went underground, possibly never to reappear.

 

After the title-card the reporter say we have a leaked confession video from Frank - instead we switch to some director Rocco, who is being fired for flops after flops. He is definitely not working in the big league like Disney, or EA, or Biosoft, or Blizzard, or Ubisoft, else he'd fail upwards!

 

There is an injoke here, that there are 100+ Amityville-titles already. This is not true. Even if we count every short and webseries, plus alternative titles on top of that, there's only ca. 70 releases at this moment.

 

They want us to believe this and the previous movie plays att he same place, and on top of all in the original Amityville House. Look, in the first flick the doc resided in the middle of nowhere, in a cainb in the woods. You don't sell me this crap.

I think we have a Plan 9 Lugosi-wannabe case here:

I mean if you squint, in the dark, tilt your head, and only look that half of the face, he's totaly (a younger version of) the old doc, right?

 

Then Mr. Borat ... I mean Rocco gets a Mysterious Delivery. 

It has the turkey in it.

Now the main course would be them shooting a horror-movie (not even a documentary, ugh!) something Amityville Cannibal Thanksgiving. Shooting and releasing in a week or two. What do they do instead? Sitting around under disco-lights.

Despite the bird being like right on some dude in the basement at 13:00 we get our first kill at 16:00, off camera, with zero gore-effect. This is pathetic. I honestly liked the atmosphere, and there was the turkey as a slasher-villain, but on the other side DO SOMETHING please. Effects, and acting, and directing... Anything would be good than this nothing.

After this we get some very lazy ADR. I'd show you, but, you know.

Then we are ripping off the Kubrik-Shining a bit. Ugh.

We even get day-cards!

Ok, I give you that, that's a window:

 

 I mean if we now pretending we are using the original house, this is way above the effort the last 10 years of production did on that field.

 

As there is nothing much to talk about, here, this guy is our local Diversity Hire: black gay dude:

35 minute in, and I don't know who are these people, what they are doing, nor do I care. When you are making a movie about shooting a movie, I must know this other fake movie too. Like in Bowfinger, or something. Here? The only good part is the turkey, and it is not present enough, plus it teleports now? And we don't even get tits?

also, just on the margin of this, if you are making a joke like "Look at all this blood", maybe give me something more than a drop of ketchup? I'm not even complaining for the quality of the fake blood, because it's acceptable, but what I want is THIS:

You know what else I'm complaining for? The weak-ass lazy writing. After this 3rd corpse the driector is complaining that "Where is everybody?" Dude, you are working with a small crew, ultra low budget, very short shooting time. 2 of your missing personal were on the very side of the project, and the 3rd is someone you hated so much, you obviously tried to replace her with the other actress. So how exactly you even noticed anybody is missing att his point? You should be doing coke-fuelled Kurbik-style shooting!!!

Then right after this the publishing company's person comes in and tiredas about shit we didn't see in the movie. Just what? I knwo what: we are padding up the runtime with preassembled stuff, like some commie building-block. Grrr.

 

 Around the 43th minute why are you doing handheld for a fix view shot? Put the camera down for F sake, especialy if you are doing 3D, because the moving cause me nausea.

Wish I could show you some footage, because the cuts during the kill at 47 minutes are the worst. Nonsense order of events, the clips don't fit into each other, and they cut off half a word as finalé. Just no.

 

 After what I suspect will be our best kill we get some poop-joke. What makes no sense, as Mr. Hippie was supposed to eat only salad, and not pizza.

Around the hour mark turns out their remaining actress is a reporter - I doubt it'll have any weight on the story, but there is 1 semi-interresting tidbit, that there is this shot from the 1st movie, where Diversity-hire played half of a gay couple on the side of SCP, who fortunately doesn't appear in this one (small miracles, eh), and he is playing another character in this, so e wants to know more who is the guy on the footage.

 Wait. That's not their other actress. Yeah, that's the makeup-girl. I saw Mr. Borat fallen at the bottom of some stairs (thought he just knocked himself out with coke), but what happened to Blondie? We'll never know.

 

At 65 minutes we finaly get the info what the plan of the turkey is: it has to impregnate blahblahblah or his demon-ass goes back to hell.

 

No idea what is going on here though:

 

 Ha! Borat is not dead!

Ok, now he is.

I bet this has some very deep meaning. Not.

The last 3 standing are the studio lady, ripoter guhrl and Diversity Hire. I think studio woman gets cooked, and DH gets possessed. AND reporter-woman is kidnapped by some cultist.

Turkey Mask Guy kills Buttler.

Studio Lady IS cooked:

We get some The Room quality action:

But it's 12:00 AM, so Turkey is fucked:

 

 

 

 

You know, if this would be some amateurs throwing together a first-film, it'd be great. Give them some training, and the next flick could turn out halfway decent on the lower end of the market. But as a professional release - this is a joke. Everyone should be fired. Except the cinematographer.